For many Christians, the issue of suffering is seen in variant and life changing ways. For myself, when I was a Christian, I looked inside my own heart when every scenario of suffering came up. Whether it was financial problems, illness, losing a loved one or emotional suffering, it always led to a "spiritual checkup."
It was a fine line between the following scenario:
"No, I do not think there is sin in my life"
and
"This must have happened, in part, because of my mistakes."
Sensitivity to sin was seen as the best way to ward off this constant questioning during trial. If sin was taken care of, the answer to the trial was patience, long-suffering love and waiting on God.
It is easy for Christians to present the "Holy Spirit" as an ethereal powerful being. In fact, even after feeling a warm feeling and affirmation of faith, I did not "feel" the holy spirit. I knew certain sins were in fact sin because that's what I was told. Black and white and no grey area. Don't compromise or the actual pull of the temptation will lead into the sin. That experience is called "the power of the spirit, convicting us of sin."
For years, that's how I trained my mind to deal with everything from the weather outside to the events in my life. An arbitrary feeling (in myself) trained by Christian talk-show hosts, my pastors, Sunday School and books that I had read. It was as ethereal as that. Meaning... not at all.
There were other problems with the way I was dealing with tragedy.
I didn't realize it, but I was deeply depressed. I would go through ruts in my life where I cried every time I was alone. I felt an awful sense of failure and had almost no self esteem. And when tragedy happened, I was beat myself up further. Harder... down into a pile of deeper sadness.
Tied to this depression was the overarching theme of the New Testament and commentators about Jesus dying for my sin. My responsibility... my fault... because of me...
My mom died in July of 2010 and there was little solitude. Going through a difficult marriage I felt worse about myself. Beaten down by life, I sunk to deeper lows and was just getting by. I found no solace in God or the bible. It was black and white, cold and impersonal to my situation. And yet, it was all I had. Because that delicate balance had to continue, or I would assured that the suffering that was going on, would be my own fault because of sin.
I have often described my de-conversion as a slow waking up from a terminal illness. And I think that's still appropriate. But I would rather say, my fight with depression has been like waking up from that diagnosis and religion was one of the remedies that my doctors has prescribed for the sickness. The slow journey towards treatment, medication, self-care, self awareness and historical study moved me into a position where I was living my life. I was not being controlled or judged by a set of moral codes or the centuries of commentary on that code. I was facing things head on.
The last few years, I have still fought depression and tried to face the world as best I can. Tragedy and problems are a constant. But I notice they happen at the same interval and probability as they did while I was a Christian (go figure.) My mistakes are certainly there in the open, but I do not look to cultural morays from the 1st century while considering the "why" and "how." I look to common sense and the perspective that scientific study and counseling can bring. I don't look to my "sexual sin" or my "greed" or "selfishness." I see my actions laid out and judge them for myself.
Going through grief without God has been the most satisfying way I've dealt with death in the past. Not "see you in heaven," but rather a process of remembering, talking about the person, warming my days with the memory of their presence and keeping them alive in my heart. It is the only place a deceased person has existence, in the heart of others. And that is a beautiful place! Remembering and celebrating, not blaming or hurting because of their "destination." It is a beautiful thing when we say goodbye and know in our mind where they are, as billions of people have done laying those to rest.
So hard times and atheism are not counterintuitive. It might be the best way to go through them.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
The persecuted Christian
In the mind of many evangelical Christians, a chasm of unknown separates the church from the rest of the world. The doors of the church signify a haven and a space where Christ can be praised without ridicule. Praises, prayers and fellowship, without the judging looks from non-believers... Yes, everyone that is not a born-again Christian is in that category.
The name of the great hall in my church is a valid representation of what that church meant: a sanctuary. A place where God's word can be read and no one can silence it. From this mindset, the prayers are lifted up for the sanctuary to spread to other places where Christ should be praised. Schools and workplaces, courthouses and public spaces. Without hatred for the word of God, without mocking for the laws of the almighty.
Dark and light.
Blessed and cursed.
Eyes open and eyes shut.
Alive and dead.
All those are the most common ways Christians portray themselves versus the world. A domain controlled by the Prince of lies, so hostile to God because of their love of sin and vice. And ready to call out like sirens for weak minded Christians, to fill them up with lies, godlessness and addiction.
The world taints, spoils, soils, infects and will spread from person to person without the full armor of God on!
This is the mindset that so many people have about their Christian identity. A world hostile to God for selfish reasons. And as they go out into the world and interact, it is always with a "holier than thou" attitude because they truly believe that the world is in chaos without their leading. So brainwashed that they cannot imagine a world with a natural order and relative morality. Without the bible... what do you have!
The delusions goes deeper than even that. The us versus them takes on a mythical historical view with God's elect holy men founding this nation on the bedrock of the bible. That is why the constitution is seen as holy and untouchable. That's why they cling to guns and bible. Although that same constitution failed to see the evil of slavery, it is perfectly founded on the ten commandments...
A clouded history appears of the United States as some sort of holy experiment. And make no mistake, God's blessing is on the United States and will only be taken away if the wickedness of people continues. What is the wickedness that God sees and is so infuriated by? Abortion... and abortion alone. He will not bless this nation (as he has) with the stench of abortion in his nostrils. He will not tolerate his holy constitution being trampled on.
In the minds of so many Christians, the word of God is intertwined with the constitution and you cannot attack one without attacking the other. And it has been the sacred duty of the church in this country to uphold both. Lest god take his protection away... Lest he smite the land as he did in the Old Testament. And do remember, Jesus is coming back so very soon... and will punish those who did not stand for him.
I am writing this so you understand the bubble. So you understand when you see the term evangelical, fundamentalist, "quiverful," etc. you will realize that this is not simply about going to a church once a week and singing songs... It is about power and a "return" to some sort of imagined past position of power in this country. I say return because the fundamentalist position was never the seat of government and it certainly was the not the position of the founders, many of whom were deists only.
The entire future of humanity depends on the world finding Christ and adhering the laws to his statutes as "written" in the English King James Bible. The future of this country will only find blessing with the removal of all laws that inhibit the sanctuary of the church from spreading into every facet of life. Whether sinners like it or not, they will hear the Word of God, see the ten commandments and allow Christian doctrine to become law in this land.
What if they resist? Then they are persecuting us.
Yes! persecuting the peaceful people of God with Satanic hate and vitriol. Spreading hate speech against love and silencing those who are simply sharing God's gentle message of apocalyptic love and sweet voice of a hell-bound eternity.
"They tried to shame me into accepting their same sex marriage!
They tried to force contraception on me!
They put a song on the radio that said a questionable word and I'll never be the same!"
Because their book sees the world in a dualist battle, everything is a battle! Guns, sex, music, marriage, abortion... it is all a battleground A fight until the world looks like the safe haven inside the sanctuary. The persecution that they claim is any little thing that makes them uncomfortable and makes them feel like they are not inside the four walls of the church. Because that's how it should be!
That is exactly why Christians do not see their push for religiously minded laws as persecuting regular people. Mandating from the bible should be the status quo in their eyes. It makes them comfortable in this chaotic world and gives them peace so it must be right! It must be good for all! And if you disagree? That is the definition of persecution. Not allowing Christians to be comfortable, safe or validated in their bigotry and ignorance.
The world is black and white. The laws are simple and old as time. And if they are natural to you, no wonder! You are a lost sinner, in need of God's grace! Come to Christ, so that you can feel persecuted for everything you don't agree with. So you can huddle, fear the world, hate anyone different and pray for the world's end.
The name of the great hall in my church is a valid representation of what that church meant: a sanctuary. A place where God's word can be read and no one can silence it. From this mindset, the prayers are lifted up for the sanctuary to spread to other places where Christ should be praised. Schools and workplaces, courthouses and public spaces. Without hatred for the word of God, without mocking for the laws of the almighty.
Dark and light.
Blessed and cursed.
Eyes open and eyes shut.
Alive and dead.
All those are the most common ways Christians portray themselves versus the world. A domain controlled by the Prince of lies, so hostile to God because of their love of sin and vice. And ready to call out like sirens for weak minded Christians, to fill them up with lies, godlessness and addiction.
The world taints, spoils, soils, infects and will spread from person to person without the full armor of God on!
This is the mindset that so many people have about their Christian identity. A world hostile to God for selfish reasons. And as they go out into the world and interact, it is always with a "holier than thou" attitude because they truly believe that the world is in chaos without their leading. So brainwashed that they cannot imagine a world with a natural order and relative morality. Without the bible... what do you have!
The delusions goes deeper than even that. The us versus them takes on a mythical historical view with God's elect holy men founding this nation on the bedrock of the bible. That is why the constitution is seen as holy and untouchable. That's why they cling to guns and bible. Although that same constitution failed to see the evil of slavery, it is perfectly founded on the ten commandments...
A clouded history appears of the United States as some sort of holy experiment. And make no mistake, God's blessing is on the United States and will only be taken away if the wickedness of people continues. What is the wickedness that God sees and is so infuriated by? Abortion... and abortion alone. He will not bless this nation (as he has) with the stench of abortion in his nostrils. He will not tolerate his holy constitution being trampled on.
In the minds of so many Christians, the word of God is intertwined with the constitution and you cannot attack one without attacking the other. And it has been the sacred duty of the church in this country to uphold both. Lest god take his protection away... Lest he smite the land as he did in the Old Testament. And do remember, Jesus is coming back so very soon... and will punish those who did not stand for him.
I am writing this so you understand the bubble. So you understand when you see the term evangelical, fundamentalist, "quiverful," etc. you will realize that this is not simply about going to a church once a week and singing songs... It is about power and a "return" to some sort of imagined past position of power in this country. I say return because the fundamentalist position was never the seat of government and it certainly was the not the position of the founders, many of whom were deists only.
The entire future of humanity depends on the world finding Christ and adhering the laws to his statutes as "written" in the English King James Bible. The future of this country will only find blessing with the removal of all laws that inhibit the sanctuary of the church from spreading into every facet of life. Whether sinners like it or not, they will hear the Word of God, see the ten commandments and allow Christian doctrine to become law in this land.
What if they resist? Then they are persecuting us.
Yes! persecuting the peaceful people of God with Satanic hate and vitriol. Spreading hate speech against love and silencing those who are simply sharing God's gentle message of apocalyptic love and sweet voice of a hell-bound eternity.
"They tried to shame me into accepting their same sex marriage!
They tried to force contraception on me!
They put a song on the radio that said a questionable word and I'll never be the same!"
Because their book sees the world in a dualist battle, everything is a battle! Guns, sex, music, marriage, abortion... it is all a battleground A fight until the world looks like the safe haven inside the sanctuary. The persecution that they claim is any little thing that makes them uncomfortable and makes them feel like they are not inside the four walls of the church. Because that's how it should be!
That is exactly why Christians do not see their push for religiously minded laws as persecuting regular people. Mandating from the bible should be the status quo in their eyes. It makes them comfortable in this chaotic world and gives them peace so it must be right! It must be good for all! And if you disagree? That is the definition of persecution. Not allowing Christians to be comfortable, safe or validated in their bigotry and ignorance.
The world is black and white. The laws are simple and old as time. And if they are natural to you, no wonder! You are a lost sinner, in need of God's grace! Come to Christ, so that you can feel persecuted for everything you don't agree with. So you can huddle, fear the world, hate anyone different and pray for the world's end.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
The buzzword of Abortion
For the evangelical Christian, history has a different meaning.
It stretches back to the Old Testament where it claims that God blesses Israel or curses Israel based on the obedience of it's people.
It does not match with what we know about history. We know Israel was a small area whose monotheism was born out of prior polytheism. Because of the real major geopolitical players in the area (Egypt, Babylon) it was tossed around over time because it was simply smaller and less important.
It is a false story... that is perpetuated in the minds of Americans in particular.
God's blessing.
The same is said of the Roman Empire. Evangelical Christians have the perfect answer to why this grand Empire fell. And it certainly isn't that Christianity itself weakened the state. It has to do with the Empire becoming decadent and God punished them because of same sex attraction...
"The seesaw of blessing" is always used (after the fact) to explain away complicated events. God turns his back on a Nation and they fall. They obey him and they are boosted up.
Christians are great propagandists. And it follows from a belief (in America) that somehow we are some sort of holy experiment.
Nothing could be further from the truth. That's not how history works. It does not fit together on that seesaw.
I sat in the pew every "Sanctity of Human-life" Sunday with others listening to the declarations of how God was taking away his blessing from the United States. Abortion had angered God so much that he would break up this nation... it was the greatest evil in the history of our nation.
Wait... abortion is not new. Abortion is an old practice.
The historian in me was enraged. Had God taken his blessing away when Native tribes were decimated by disease and swindled out of land? How about when their innocent members were sold into Slavery in the Caribbean after King Philip's War?
From the earliest colonies, African labor built this nation. The horrors of the middle passage, the brutality of the business and the way every person profited from it. Investors, insurance, bankers, anyone who drank rum or wore cotton... all provided by the blood and sweat of slaves. Whipped in the hot sun, raped and torn away from family members. And God stood with an approving smirk?
The oppression of women over centuries in America. Withholding property rights, allowing brutality because it happened in marriage. No say, no equality. For centuries. And God did not "take his glory away."
The fear of every African-American, although freed from slavery on paper, still subservient and now a part of a tightly controlled Jim Crow south. Can you hear Billie Holiday's cry:
"Southern trees bear strange fruit
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees."
My church had no celebration for the end of slavery, or celebrating what pastors and their congregations accomplished in the civil rights era. They never openly decried racism. They never mentioned lynching.
Or the fact that in all these Supreme Court cases and decisions, the evangelical church had written amicus briefs on the side of the White Supremacists and the status quo.
But abortion.
That is the buzzword that keeps things moving. It signifies the sign in society that the church is losing control.
It is all about control. Can you hear it? Mike Pence speaking at Liberty University, talking about being "ridiculed" for their faith. Perhaps for their stand on abortion. their stand on different subjects that put them in conflict.
Does he feel how hard it is to be LGBTQA+ in communities that are predominantly evangelical Christians?
Does he know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship and find out you are pregnant? Or to be taken advantage of by someone in your life? And carry that baby to term?
Does he know what its like to truly feel different? Real discrimination and ridicule because of the color of his skin or gender?
Abortion is all about controlling that most intimate part of each person. It declares a worldview is present and protection must be given at the expense of everything else because? His God knows better. And he'll punish this nation.
No, that's a rouse. Its a red herring. It is the definition of bullshit.
God is losing. God is fading from the mythologized history of our founding and the lies we have heard of our standards.
More than even that. For the first time, the church is seen in context. Exposed. As what they are.
Psychologically damaging. Morally repugnant. Socially harmful. Invading on every privacy and desperate to grasp at some control. And they are grasping for the uterus. Grabbing at it as a last ditch effort of misinformation. Hoping that they can keep in politics, keep relevant and remain current in a world that has passed them by.
Throwing out lies and fear tactics that I once to feared. Now I stare at them in the face. And cry "bullshit."
It stretches back to the Old Testament where it claims that God blesses Israel or curses Israel based on the obedience of it's people.
It does not match with what we know about history. We know Israel was a small area whose monotheism was born out of prior polytheism. Because of the real major geopolitical players in the area (Egypt, Babylon) it was tossed around over time because it was simply smaller and less important.
It is a false story... that is perpetuated in the minds of Americans in particular.
God's blessing.
The same is said of the Roman Empire. Evangelical Christians have the perfect answer to why this grand Empire fell. And it certainly isn't that Christianity itself weakened the state. It has to do with the Empire becoming decadent and God punished them because of same sex attraction...
"The seesaw of blessing" is always used (after the fact) to explain away complicated events. God turns his back on a Nation and they fall. They obey him and they are boosted up.
Christians are great propagandists. And it follows from a belief (in America) that somehow we are some sort of holy experiment.
Nothing could be further from the truth. That's not how history works. It does not fit together on that seesaw.
I sat in the pew every "Sanctity of Human-life" Sunday with others listening to the declarations of how God was taking away his blessing from the United States. Abortion had angered God so much that he would break up this nation... it was the greatest evil in the history of our nation.
Wait... abortion is not new. Abortion is an old practice.
The historian in me was enraged. Had God taken his blessing away when Native tribes were decimated by disease and swindled out of land? How about when their innocent members were sold into Slavery in the Caribbean after King Philip's War?
From the earliest colonies, African labor built this nation. The horrors of the middle passage, the brutality of the business and the way every person profited from it. Investors, insurance, bankers, anyone who drank rum or wore cotton... all provided by the blood and sweat of slaves. Whipped in the hot sun, raped and torn away from family members. And God stood with an approving smirk?
The oppression of women over centuries in America. Withholding property rights, allowing brutality because it happened in marriage. No say, no equality. For centuries. And God did not "take his glory away."
The fear of every African-American, although freed from slavery on paper, still subservient and now a part of a tightly controlled Jim Crow south. Can you hear Billie Holiday's cry:
"Southern trees bear strange fruit
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees."
My church had no celebration for the end of slavery, or celebrating what pastors and their congregations accomplished in the civil rights era. They never openly decried racism. They never mentioned lynching.
Or the fact that in all these Supreme Court cases and decisions, the evangelical church had written amicus briefs on the side of the White Supremacists and the status quo.
But abortion.
That is the buzzword that keeps things moving. It signifies the sign in society that the church is losing control.
It is all about control. Can you hear it? Mike Pence speaking at Liberty University, talking about being "ridiculed" for their faith. Perhaps for their stand on abortion. their stand on different subjects that put them in conflict.
Does he feel how hard it is to be LGBTQA+ in communities that are predominantly evangelical Christians?
Does he know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship and find out you are pregnant? Or to be taken advantage of by someone in your life? And carry that baby to term?
Does he know what its like to truly feel different? Real discrimination and ridicule because of the color of his skin or gender?
Abortion is all about controlling that most intimate part of each person. It declares a worldview is present and protection must be given at the expense of everything else because? His God knows better. And he'll punish this nation.
No, that's a rouse. Its a red herring. It is the definition of bullshit.
God is losing. God is fading from the mythologized history of our founding and the lies we have heard of our standards.
More than even that. For the first time, the church is seen in context. Exposed. As what they are.
Psychologically damaging. Morally repugnant. Socially harmful. Invading on every privacy and desperate to grasp at some control. And they are grasping for the uterus. Grabbing at it as a last ditch effort of misinformation. Hoping that they can keep in politics, keep relevant and remain current in a world that has passed them by.
Throwing out lies and fear tactics that I once to feared. Now I stare at them in the face. And cry "bullshit."
Monday, May 13, 2019
The exvangelical on Tinder
My nervous fingers got into a steady rhythm of swiping right or left. It was exciting!
A world of opportunity, experiences at my fingertips. No more of the culture-imposed restraint. It was a world without rules! Isn't that what I wanted? No guilt with sex, no self-loathing with who I'm attracted to? No shame in finding what is exciting?
I had grown up in the evangelical church and had one (1) girlfriend starting when I was 19. Five years later we married and I entered marriage as a virgin, believing everything that the purity culture declared is true.
- Sex is only safe in the marriage context
- Sexual thoughts outside of marriage are sin
- Marriage is for procreation, it follows a creation mandate from Genesis
- Marriage is a union like Christ and the Church
Many former evangelicals know the pain these statutes bring. After leaving the church I felt ready to experience that freedom and feel what it is like!
The problem is, despite being free from restrictions, I was also away from any structure with nothing to replace it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
My first relationship after my marriage would last 2 years. I was so excited that someone found me attractive and at first, validated my story and made a commitment to me without religion attached to it. I felt good about myself and finally able to shed the feeling of guilt and shame.
However, jumping right into the situation, I did not see her blatant controlling nature or her narcissism. And before I knew it, the newness wore off and I was being physically and mentally abused. Instead of breaking free from the past, I felt the pain of my old self-image problems I had as a teenager. I felt as if I had no identity to fall back on. The Steve from 5 years ago was gone. I felt like I was adrift and couldn't find my base.
I had left the church but had not found my own community or circle of friends that could support me. I did not feel guilt or shame, but I had not fully dealt with the deep issues that surrounded the purpose vacuum.
It took the 2 years to start therapy again and get a restraining order against her. It felt like I was restarting my life for a 2nd time. Everything was simplified and I now had a base to start going forward.
I watched out for red flags like narcissism and temper. I would not let my kids meet the next person for a long time. I would only spend time with someone on my non-parenting time.
But there was still a major problem as I logged in to Tinder and Okcupid. I still had no sense of self and boundaries around dating. In the church, this is not a problem. You start to date and get to know someone until you make a bigger commitment and then move forward. Sex is not the driving force. In the secular world, sex is mixed up in the entire package.
It is so much more complicated than that.
Sex is a big part of the profiles and commitment is not. There are so many things I discovered I knew nothing (zero) about.
- Kinks - I had only heard about this in the context of memes and some erotica. I had no idea what most of them meant. Did I have them? No idea. Is it a deal breaker? No rules for that.
- Friends with benefits - Is this really what I want? Can I even do this? Does it cheapen sex? Does it complicate a friendship? What would that dynamic look like.
- Open relationships - This sounds like a dream for a couple, but wow is it complicated. And I still haven't figured out exactly how that works
- When is it dating? What is it too early to have sex? What is too many sex partners?
- What is the dynamic of a person's sex drive? How do you work that out? Public displays of affections? Sub? Dom? What does that all mean!
I felt so overwhelmed and assumed I would work it out as I went along... And that has been an utter failure.
The results have been - awkward sexual encounters where its just not a match, ostracizing friends because my partner was way too sexual in a group setting, great conversations and then mediocre connection, or alternately great sexual partners who I have no personal connection to...
It is a giant, complicated mess.
In one year on the dating scene, the freedom I thought I would enjoy has scared me. I don't wish for the guilt and shame restrictive church, but how do I find the structure in dating that helps me build a healthy relationship?
No one seems to know, except having well established, hard rules that are self imposed and carefully laid out in dating. This includes what you will do on a first date, what you will not do, declaring what you are looking for in general and guarding everything else closely.
It is a lot like a kid being set loose in a candy store only to chip a tooth, get diabetes and a sugar rush headache... And then act like an asshole and ostracize the people you care about...
The apps are like that candy store. And I'm playing a game I just don't understand!
A world of opportunity, experiences at my fingertips. No more of the culture-imposed restraint. It was a world without rules! Isn't that what I wanted? No guilt with sex, no self-loathing with who I'm attracted to? No shame in finding what is exciting?
I had grown up in the evangelical church and had one (1) girlfriend starting when I was 19. Five years later we married and I entered marriage as a virgin, believing everything that the purity culture declared is true.
- Sex is only safe in the marriage context
- Sexual thoughts outside of marriage are sin
- Marriage is for procreation, it follows a creation mandate from Genesis
- Marriage is a union like Christ and the Church
Many former evangelicals know the pain these statutes bring. After leaving the church I felt ready to experience that freedom and feel what it is like!
The problem is, despite being free from restrictions, I was also away from any structure with nothing to replace it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
My first relationship after my marriage would last 2 years. I was so excited that someone found me attractive and at first, validated my story and made a commitment to me without religion attached to it. I felt good about myself and finally able to shed the feeling of guilt and shame.
However, jumping right into the situation, I did not see her blatant controlling nature or her narcissism. And before I knew it, the newness wore off and I was being physically and mentally abused. Instead of breaking free from the past, I felt the pain of my old self-image problems I had as a teenager. I felt as if I had no identity to fall back on. The Steve from 5 years ago was gone. I felt like I was adrift and couldn't find my base.
I had left the church but had not found my own community or circle of friends that could support me. I did not feel guilt or shame, but I had not fully dealt with the deep issues that surrounded the purpose vacuum.
It took the 2 years to start therapy again and get a restraining order against her. It felt like I was restarting my life for a 2nd time. Everything was simplified and I now had a base to start going forward.
I watched out for red flags like narcissism and temper. I would not let my kids meet the next person for a long time. I would only spend time with someone on my non-parenting time.
But there was still a major problem as I logged in to Tinder and Okcupid. I still had no sense of self and boundaries around dating. In the church, this is not a problem. You start to date and get to know someone until you make a bigger commitment and then move forward. Sex is not the driving force. In the secular world, sex is mixed up in the entire package.
It is so much more complicated than that.
Sex is a big part of the profiles and commitment is not. There are so many things I discovered I knew nothing (zero) about.
- Kinks - I had only heard about this in the context of memes and some erotica. I had no idea what most of them meant. Did I have them? No idea. Is it a deal breaker? No rules for that.
- Friends with benefits - Is this really what I want? Can I even do this? Does it cheapen sex? Does it complicate a friendship? What would that dynamic look like.
- Open relationships - This sounds like a dream for a couple, but wow is it complicated. And I still haven't figured out exactly how that works
- When is it dating? What is it too early to have sex? What is too many sex partners?
- What is the dynamic of a person's sex drive? How do you work that out? Public displays of affections? Sub? Dom? What does that all mean!
I felt so overwhelmed and assumed I would work it out as I went along... And that has been an utter failure.
The results have been - awkward sexual encounters where its just not a match, ostracizing friends because my partner was way too sexual in a group setting, great conversations and then mediocre connection, or alternately great sexual partners who I have no personal connection to...
It is a giant, complicated mess.
In one year on the dating scene, the freedom I thought I would enjoy has scared me. I don't wish for the guilt and shame restrictive church, but how do I find the structure in dating that helps me build a healthy relationship?
No one seems to know, except having well established, hard rules that are self imposed and carefully laid out in dating. This includes what you will do on a first date, what you will not do, declaring what you are looking for in general and guarding everything else closely.
It is a lot like a kid being set loose in a candy store only to chip a tooth, get diabetes and a sugar rush headache... And then act like an asshole and ostracize the people you care about...
The apps are like that candy store. And I'm playing a game I just don't understand!
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Afraid of ourselves
It is a basic truth of fundamental Christianity.
Our minds are cesspits, wretched wastelands that are devoid of any decent thought. Selfish, blind, immoral, corrupt... unable to do anything that pleases God. Like an animal instinct that hates order, despises justice and rejects goodness.
Over and over... In the bible we are "given over" to our carnal desires. Left to our own devices we will do unspeakable things. All war, pain, sadness are evidence of our nature. Anger is murder in principle. Sexual thoughts are rape or sex outside of marriage. The thought is the action. Because if left to our own course, the worst of us would come out.
Disorder... a short sad life... then judgment.
We are the wicked. Unable to do anything right.
And God is everything we are not... Holy, pure, perfect, without blemish.
The darkest avenue a Christian can go down is the wide freeway in his/her mind of sexual sin. There are so many layers to this, it is so hard to unravel. But basically, everything in church and in our world has to be based around keeping our disgusting minds pure.
If the church doesn't do something... if they don't dictate from the pulpit and the youth leaders... People... might... have... sex!!!!
Or worse, people might masturbate or even worse than all of that: watch pornography!!!
If you are/were from a member of a progressive church or have never experienced this, you might be thinking, "But aren't teens and adults going to do that anyways? You can't dictate what people think!"
To which you can hear every priest and pastor say "Hold my Communion wine. We gonna do this."
Despite every different body type, personality, sexual preference or even lack thereof, the church has a cookie cutter answer to the sex problem.
Women: Ok, your job is to look modest, no skin showing, nothing tight, nothing too flashy, nothing too feminine but it better be feminine enough! We don't want you looking like men! Also, feminine but not fashionable. We want 100% mystery on wedding nights! Are there octopus tentacles under there? Shark teeth? Who knows! Also... you have no sexual identity until your husband helps you find it. Got it?
Men: Ok, your job is to look like men... And don't think about sex or porn or think about touching yourself until you are married and then, I promise every night will be a dream! (seriously used to hear married older guys talk about what a "blessed union" they had.)
We hear it all the time in church. Pornography, masturbation ruin marriages. They ruin our relationship with Christ. They make us sin with ourselves, our partners (or future partners.) No one belongs with you in the bedroom! (except your pastor...)
This is all from the same archaic cloth as all the other moral rules that have vague basis in Bronze/iron age morals and puritanical American evangelicalism. On this same cloth are the edicts about dinosaur bones being placed by Satan, evolution being a giant scientific conspiracy and Noah's flood causing all of our rock layers.
We've come too far too go backwards on the issue of sex.
People should have control of their own bodies and how they feel about sex. No one is hurt by masturbation. No one is hurt by you exploring yourself. No one is hurt by you being attracted to other people.
If you aren't in a relationship, no one is effected at all by pornography if that's what you choose. If you are in a relationship, its worth the discussion but most open couples do not see this as infidelity and many watch it together.
Being afraid of our sexual selves is equivalent to all the other ridiculous bullshit like humans with dinosaurs and unicorns missing the ark.
Our sexual desires are the most personal part of us and it takes time and safety to work those things out. How many lives have been ruined by people pounding on this subject in youth group or in the pulpit or by passing along fundamentalist books?
Even worse, it creates an atmosphere that normalizes abuse and rape. Let me explain that. Our natural desires are seen as disgusting sin when outside of the context of marriage. All sins separate us from God and any one sin can send us to hell. So the sin of masturbation is equal to the sin of rape, to the sin of incest to the sin of pederasty. It creates an atmosphere where we feel sick about our desires and instead of working them out, we are afraid of them! Remember, we can't help it! We are disgusting, filthy sinners and without God, we would do every terrible thing under the sun...
And the bottling up of expression and exploration can cause serious harm to who we are as people.
This is a personal post because I think it is so deeply important. The amount of guilt and shame I carried for 20 years because of any sexual desires was immense. I hate myself for lack of control and I hated living a life where I felt so helpless. Already battling depression, I felt awful because I couldn't discipline myself enough to clear my conscience and be a better Christian. When I went to pray, it was there. When I served, it was there. When I went to have sex, the guilt was there too.
Please let me know if this resonates with you.
Our minds are cesspits, wretched wastelands that are devoid of any decent thought. Selfish, blind, immoral, corrupt... unable to do anything that pleases God. Like an animal instinct that hates order, despises justice and rejects goodness.
Over and over... In the bible we are "given over" to our carnal desires. Left to our own devices we will do unspeakable things. All war, pain, sadness are evidence of our nature. Anger is murder in principle. Sexual thoughts are rape or sex outside of marriage. The thought is the action. Because if left to our own course, the worst of us would come out.
Disorder... a short sad life... then judgment.
We are the wicked. Unable to do anything right.
And God is everything we are not... Holy, pure, perfect, without blemish.
The darkest avenue a Christian can go down is the wide freeway in his/her mind of sexual sin. There are so many layers to this, it is so hard to unravel. But basically, everything in church and in our world has to be based around keeping our disgusting minds pure.
If the church doesn't do something... if they don't dictate from the pulpit and the youth leaders... People... might... have... sex!!!!
Or worse, people might masturbate or even worse than all of that: watch pornography!!!
If you are/were from a member of a progressive church or have never experienced this, you might be thinking, "But aren't teens and adults going to do that anyways? You can't dictate what people think!"
To which you can hear every priest and pastor say "Hold my Communion wine. We gonna do this."
Despite every different body type, personality, sexual preference or even lack thereof, the church has a cookie cutter answer to the sex problem.
Women: Ok, your job is to look modest, no skin showing, nothing tight, nothing too flashy, nothing too feminine but it better be feminine enough! We don't want you looking like men! Also, feminine but not fashionable. We want 100% mystery on wedding nights! Are there octopus tentacles under there? Shark teeth? Who knows! Also... you have no sexual identity until your husband helps you find it. Got it?
Men: Ok, your job is to look like men... And don't think about sex or porn or think about touching yourself until you are married and then, I promise every night will be a dream! (seriously used to hear married older guys talk about what a "blessed union" they had.)
We hear it all the time in church. Pornography, masturbation ruin marriages. They ruin our relationship with Christ. They make us sin with ourselves, our partners (or future partners.) No one belongs with you in the bedroom! (except your pastor...)
This is all from the same archaic cloth as all the other moral rules that have vague basis in Bronze/iron age morals and puritanical American evangelicalism. On this same cloth are the edicts about dinosaur bones being placed by Satan, evolution being a giant scientific conspiracy and Noah's flood causing all of our rock layers.
We've come too far too go backwards on the issue of sex.
People should have control of their own bodies and how they feel about sex. No one is hurt by masturbation. No one is hurt by you exploring yourself. No one is hurt by you being attracted to other people.
If you aren't in a relationship, no one is effected at all by pornography if that's what you choose. If you are in a relationship, its worth the discussion but most open couples do not see this as infidelity and many watch it together.
Being afraid of our sexual selves is equivalent to all the other ridiculous bullshit like humans with dinosaurs and unicorns missing the ark.
Our sexual desires are the most personal part of us and it takes time and safety to work those things out. How many lives have been ruined by people pounding on this subject in youth group or in the pulpit or by passing along fundamentalist books?
Even worse, it creates an atmosphere that normalizes abuse and rape. Let me explain that. Our natural desires are seen as disgusting sin when outside of the context of marriage. All sins separate us from God and any one sin can send us to hell. So the sin of masturbation is equal to the sin of rape, to the sin of incest to the sin of pederasty. It creates an atmosphere where we feel sick about our desires and instead of working them out, we are afraid of them! Remember, we can't help it! We are disgusting, filthy sinners and without God, we would do every terrible thing under the sun...
And the bottling up of expression and exploration can cause serious harm to who we are as people.
This is a personal post because I think it is so deeply important. The amount of guilt and shame I carried for 20 years because of any sexual desires was immense. I hate myself for lack of control and I hated living a life where I felt so helpless. Already battling depression, I felt awful because I couldn't discipline myself enough to clear my conscience and be a better Christian. When I went to pray, it was there. When I served, it was there. When I went to have sex, the guilt was there too.
Please let me know if this resonates with you.
Monday, May 6, 2019
10 people you will meet in the Evangelical Church
I want to preface this by saying that caricatures are everywhere. The librarian, the nervous stockbroker, the "mid-life crisis" guy with a comb-over and a Mustang. They are useful in examining our society and making sense out of it.
So, without further delay: Ten People you will Meet in the Evangelical Church
1. Homeschool mom - She has the same style jumper or dress on as her kids. Perhaps even a modest head covering. 4-5 kids are beside her in order from youngest to oldest! She has a giant purse with crayons, snacks and construction paper. She hasn't slept in a week... She's had the same dress for 20 years and hasn't taken the time to dye the greys out of her hair in months.
2. Creepy deacon - this is another person we all know. He quotes Paul as saying "Greet each other with a holy kiss." So... he kisses any woman he wants. Also hugs way too long and tight for comfort. But he's kinda old and gets away with it. He sees young men with girlfriends and says "if I was 40 years younger, you wouldn't stand a chance son."
3. Granola-Crunch - This is an alternative to the Homeschool mom, but this one is drinking out of a glass bottle with a literal bag of granola in her purse. She makes her own household cleaners and her own toothpaste and sadly enough... her own deodorant. Her and her husband will not vaccinate their kids and they also raise their own animals and vegetables for food... If you go over their house there will be a giant garden and don't get too attached to the bunnies... They are dinner.
4. The amen-man - He is definitely the pastor's friend. He is paying close attention to the sermon so he can give that deep bass "amen." Perhaps once in a while he declares, "preach it, friend!"
5. The sports-guy - He's there on sunday... but you know he's watching the clock. Perhaps he used to be a bookie or a high school athlete. He's the captain of the Turkey Day family football day and any picnic pickup basketball contest. Wicked competitive and shames you if you are not athletic. He's kind of a dick...
6. The Old-lady-that-no-one-can-remember-being-young - You started in church 20 years ago? She's still the same age... She harkens back to the days when the pastor (who's been there for 40 years) first arrived... She's just about deaf and blind but has the best ribbon candy and Werther's original. She'll tell you about the "new" addition to the church which was built 60 years ago.
7. The Off Key singer - He or she knows every word to every hymn, but they are completely tone deaf. They are usually the loudest singer and everyone looks at them when you joke "make a joyful noise to the Lord."
8. The showoff singer - She has a wonderful voice, but this is not American Idol. They get the solos every year in choir and take their church singing careers VERY seriously. Sunday is a performance but they sweetly say, "Thank you, but its not me, its the Lord using his vessel." Sometimes she is married to the Off-Key Singer... Which is weird.
9. Hand lifter - they began life in the Pentecostal Church or perhaps even some new age movement in California with crystals and speaking in tongues. I heard before that they were in a commune... They lift their hands, but wait until the perfect moment, when the emotion of the song takes them. Sometimes one hand, sometimes two, always with the emphasis on the beats and eyes closed. Once in a while a bounce in the pew and moving of hips.
10. The Gossip Queen - She is perhaps the pastor's wife or a Deacon's wife or Deaconess. She always has a juicy tidbit to say to her friends. Church is her chance to gather information, watch which couple is holding hands, who didn't take communion, and who has dark circles under their eyes. Did that couple come in separate cars today? She asks a probing question, smiling the whole time.
Those are just 10 of the people you meet in an evangelical church! Any more? Add them in the comments!
So, without further delay: Ten People you will Meet in the Evangelical Church
1. Homeschool mom - She has the same style jumper or dress on as her kids. Perhaps even a modest head covering. 4-5 kids are beside her in order from youngest to oldest! She has a giant purse with crayons, snacks and construction paper. She hasn't slept in a week... She's had the same dress for 20 years and hasn't taken the time to dye the greys out of her hair in months.
2. Creepy deacon - this is another person we all know. He quotes Paul as saying "Greet each other with a holy kiss." So... he kisses any woman he wants. Also hugs way too long and tight for comfort. But he's kinda old and gets away with it. He sees young men with girlfriends and says "if I was 40 years younger, you wouldn't stand a chance son."
3. Granola-Crunch - This is an alternative to the Homeschool mom, but this one is drinking out of a glass bottle with a literal bag of granola in her purse. She makes her own household cleaners and her own toothpaste and sadly enough... her own deodorant. Her and her husband will not vaccinate their kids and they also raise their own animals and vegetables for food... If you go over their house there will be a giant garden and don't get too attached to the bunnies... They are dinner.
4. The amen-man - He is definitely the pastor's friend. He is paying close attention to the sermon so he can give that deep bass "amen." Perhaps once in a while he declares, "preach it, friend!"
5. The sports-guy - He's there on sunday... but you know he's watching the clock. Perhaps he used to be a bookie or a high school athlete. He's the captain of the Turkey Day family football day and any picnic pickup basketball contest. Wicked competitive and shames you if you are not athletic. He's kind of a dick...
6. The Old-lady-that-no-one-can-remember-being-young - You started in church 20 years ago? She's still the same age... She harkens back to the days when the pastor (who's been there for 40 years) first arrived... She's just about deaf and blind but has the best ribbon candy and Werther's original. She'll tell you about the "new" addition to the church which was built 60 years ago.
7. The Off Key singer - He or she knows every word to every hymn, but they are completely tone deaf. They are usually the loudest singer and everyone looks at them when you joke "make a joyful noise to the Lord."
8. The showoff singer - She has a wonderful voice, but this is not American Idol. They get the solos every year in choir and take their church singing careers VERY seriously. Sunday is a performance but they sweetly say, "Thank you, but its not me, its the Lord using his vessel." Sometimes she is married to the Off-Key Singer... Which is weird.
9. Hand lifter - they began life in the Pentecostal Church or perhaps even some new age movement in California with crystals and speaking in tongues. I heard before that they were in a commune... They lift their hands, but wait until the perfect moment, when the emotion of the song takes them. Sometimes one hand, sometimes two, always with the emphasis on the beats and eyes closed. Once in a while a bounce in the pew and moving of hips.
10. The Gossip Queen - She is perhaps the pastor's wife or a Deacon's wife or Deaconess. She always has a juicy tidbit to say to her friends. Church is her chance to gather information, watch which couple is holding hands, who didn't take communion, and who has dark circles under their eyes. Did that couple come in separate cars today? She asks a probing question, smiling the whole time.
Those are just 10 of the people you meet in an evangelical church! Any more? Add them in the comments!
Friday, May 3, 2019
The Insincereity of Christian love
"Thank you so much, I will pay you back when I can!"
"Don't worry about it, it's not me doing it. It's because of Christ. Not me."
"What a generous donation to our mission! Thank you so much."
"Don't thank me, thank God. He is doing it. Not me."
"You saved that elderly man from a car fire! You are a hero!"
"No, I'm no hero. It was only through Christ."
I'll be blunt. the crux of the statements above are: I would have never done it without God coaxing me to do it.
This is why Christians assume atheists are devoid of goodness. Because they think they do good deeds because of Christ. And apparently, ONLY because of Christ. In other words, they would be sitting at home saying "screw you" to humanity and being selfish. That's the impression I get. Eat, drink, for tomorrow we die.
Oh it gets worse. How many missionaries did I meet that had the same story. "I was a corporate banker on Wall Street when I was saved and I turned my life around and served Jesus!" Or, "I was working at a 6-figure job and trying to live the American dream, 3 cars, credit cards, fancy vacations. Then Jesus reached into my life."
In other words, I was a jerk. Now, I'm saved and can finally do good. And they CANNOT imagine someone doing good outside of being a Christian. Because when they were "unsaved" they lived in complete selfishness.
Or at least that's what they are telling you. It's all a mirage. In fact, talking to them, they weren't monsters before or after coming to Christ. The corporate banker had 5 kids who I met, all well adjusted and kind people. He had gotten into an ivy league school on a sports scholarship and worked his ass off balancing everything. And had found a great rhythm in a tiresome corporate job! He had the energy to do anything.
Another example is of a person close to my heart. After nursing school, she spent a year in Appalachia at a clinic serving some of the poorest people in the United States. She was an accomplished musician and pursued a side hobby of aviation. When she started going to church, she gave all her credit to Christ. But I could see her heart and passion was in Kentucky where she had cared for people as a secular nurse.
This is the circular nature of thought that Christians MUST enter to properly claim a close relationship with Christ. All their deeds that show how they naturally show love are attributed to Christ. As if "Christ" has no real value... except a reflection of what people do anyways.
It is a step in the process of denying the basic love and goodness of people and superimposing "God." And its maddening. What value can we place on the entity: God?
Look at some of the most basic hymns and worship songs and you will see "self-abasement." We are wretched, lost, sheep, sinners, broken, hurt, sad, dying, hopeless... And we sing about a God that is infinitely everything we are not... loving, caring, sweet, gentle, moral...
I can't speak for everyone. But this dynamic created a deep self-loathing. I credited Christ with every good deed because I believed myself incapable of doing anything positive. I hate everything that I did outside of Christ and thought it was a waste of time. And that includes: self care. What was the point of focusing on myself at all.
Combined with my clinical depression, the gospel made me sink deeper. Everything felt insincere that I wasn't doing in his "power." I was constantly trying to "stay right with God" because otherwise... I was that same failed, disgusting, sinful creation that I was before Christ's love.
Christ's love... a blanket statement that I accepted and tried to emulate. Despite the fact that this was human love!
We have the ability to Love in ways that this Christian love cannot even fathom! And that starts with the ability to love ourselves!!!!
We have the ability to give ourselves self care, self-realization and boost ourselves up instead of bashing. We have the love inside us that exists because of our giant, amazing socially-wired evolved brains! We have sincere love that transcends every barrier that religion can't even touch.
I can love because I have love inside me. Not an outside benign force that acts.
I can love my family, my kids, my neighbor. I can love the person who asks for money or help. I can give of my time and abilities! I can look at someone who I don't even agree with and love them with a love that Christ would spurn. I don't ask them to "get right with my line of morality." I simply give an expression of love.
Christian love can't transcend the barriers that it puts up. It can't love LGBTQ identifying people because it has rules against that. I can! I can love them and fight for their rights!
Christian love can't love people from religions it deems false. Not fully. There's always the hitch: do it so they see our love and want what we have!
Christian love can't see through the cultural patriarchal barriers it creates! It can't bring full love to half the population it deems as "less than" (women.) It can't preach entrenched inferiority and then try to lift women up.
Christian love can't simply love without hidden motive. The bible doesn't allow that. There's always a push for conversion and obedience. Otherwise... you are doing things in your own power...
Which we are! Which they are, they just don't realize it.
Love like a human today!
"Don't worry about it, it's not me doing it. It's because of Christ. Not me."
"What a generous donation to our mission! Thank you so much."
"Don't thank me, thank God. He is doing it. Not me."
"You saved that elderly man from a car fire! You are a hero!"
"No, I'm no hero. It was only through Christ."
I'll be blunt. the crux of the statements above are: I would have never done it without God coaxing me to do it.
This is why Christians assume atheists are devoid of goodness. Because they think they do good deeds because of Christ. And apparently, ONLY because of Christ. In other words, they would be sitting at home saying "screw you" to humanity and being selfish. That's the impression I get. Eat, drink, for tomorrow we die.
Oh it gets worse. How many missionaries did I meet that had the same story. "I was a corporate banker on Wall Street when I was saved and I turned my life around and served Jesus!" Or, "I was working at a 6-figure job and trying to live the American dream, 3 cars, credit cards, fancy vacations. Then Jesus reached into my life."
In other words, I was a jerk. Now, I'm saved and can finally do good. And they CANNOT imagine someone doing good outside of being a Christian. Because when they were "unsaved" they lived in complete selfishness.
Or at least that's what they are telling you. It's all a mirage. In fact, talking to them, they weren't monsters before or after coming to Christ. The corporate banker had 5 kids who I met, all well adjusted and kind people. He had gotten into an ivy league school on a sports scholarship and worked his ass off balancing everything. And had found a great rhythm in a tiresome corporate job! He had the energy to do anything.
Another example is of a person close to my heart. After nursing school, she spent a year in Appalachia at a clinic serving some of the poorest people in the United States. She was an accomplished musician and pursued a side hobby of aviation. When she started going to church, she gave all her credit to Christ. But I could see her heart and passion was in Kentucky where she had cared for people as a secular nurse.
This is the circular nature of thought that Christians MUST enter to properly claim a close relationship with Christ. All their deeds that show how they naturally show love are attributed to Christ. As if "Christ" has no real value... except a reflection of what people do anyways.
It is a step in the process of denying the basic love and goodness of people and superimposing "God." And its maddening. What value can we place on the entity: God?
Look at some of the most basic hymns and worship songs and you will see "self-abasement." We are wretched, lost, sheep, sinners, broken, hurt, sad, dying, hopeless... And we sing about a God that is infinitely everything we are not... loving, caring, sweet, gentle, moral...
I can't speak for everyone. But this dynamic created a deep self-loathing. I credited Christ with every good deed because I believed myself incapable of doing anything positive. I hate everything that I did outside of Christ and thought it was a waste of time. And that includes: self care. What was the point of focusing on myself at all.
Combined with my clinical depression, the gospel made me sink deeper. Everything felt insincere that I wasn't doing in his "power." I was constantly trying to "stay right with God" because otherwise... I was that same failed, disgusting, sinful creation that I was before Christ's love.
Christ's love... a blanket statement that I accepted and tried to emulate. Despite the fact that this was human love!
We have the ability to Love in ways that this Christian love cannot even fathom! And that starts with the ability to love ourselves!!!!
We have the ability to give ourselves self care, self-realization and boost ourselves up instead of bashing. We have the love inside us that exists because of our giant, amazing socially-wired evolved brains! We have sincere love that transcends every barrier that religion can't even touch.
I can love because I have love inside me. Not an outside benign force that acts.
I can love my family, my kids, my neighbor. I can love the person who asks for money or help. I can give of my time and abilities! I can look at someone who I don't even agree with and love them with a love that Christ would spurn. I don't ask them to "get right with my line of morality." I simply give an expression of love.
Christian love can't transcend the barriers that it puts up. It can't love LGBTQ identifying people because it has rules against that. I can! I can love them and fight for their rights!
Christian love can't love people from religions it deems false. Not fully. There's always the hitch: do it so they see our love and want what we have!
Christian love can't see through the cultural patriarchal barriers it creates! It can't bring full love to half the population it deems as "less than" (women.) It can't preach entrenched inferiority and then try to lift women up.
Christian love can't simply love without hidden motive. The bible doesn't allow that. There's always a push for conversion and obedience. Otherwise... you are doing things in your own power...
Which we are! Which they are, they just don't realize it.
Love like a human today!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)