Nothing to die for

We had purpose for our lives.
That's what we were told. In a world of billions of people living for sin and self, we were enlightened. It was like the veil of time was pulled away and the plan of the universe was revealed to us!


We had truth! The truth of the Bible and the plan of God. And we had the cure for a sin-sick world. Jesus Christ! We held the answer to every question and the eternal view of the world on the brink of apocalypse. In fact, I was told by one preacher that the "rapture" was so close, it didn't make sense to buy green bananas anymore. I had a bumper sticker on my car that said "in case of rapture, car will be unoccupied."


And being a Christian teenager in this era? We were the tip of the sword! And I had all the answers! In my book.


I was told again and again that without Christ, we have nothing to live for. We might as well go out, eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we might die. The cares of today are not worthy to compare to the brilliance of eternity that awaits us! If people only knew the truth, they would turn from their ignorance and self reliance and find level ground at the foot of the cross. Join in the chorus of the ages and look forward to eternity!


For a depressed teenager and twenty-something, it was all I had to look forward to.


It was wrong to find satisfaction in the things of this world. So being in a difficult marriage was ok. There was heaven to look forward to. Same with fixing body ailments and self care. None of that mattered! All of that was vanity and selfishness. More of him, less of me. And that was fine! I couldn't stand myself!


Moods went up and down and I attempted to find meaning in the scriptures. And try to make sense of why I was so weak and sad. It was because of: sin...


I had a despondent outlook when anything secular seemed to challenge the word of God. Gay marriage, abortion, Israel etc. It was coming, God's wrath... I wish they would understand.


I really did feel that I had nothing to live for. And everything to die for. In fact, in a secret part of my heart I saw a great deal of bravery in suicide... they were free and in the presence of God! And I was stuck here.


I've written in this blog about the blinders that were on my eyes and the ignorance that I had in my mind. And when I stepped back from the Christian bubble, I finally woke up to the reality of life.


Treating clinical depression and talking to people about it for the first time, I realized how blind I had been to the beauty of the world! Life bursting all around! Human connection! Hope for today, where I was, in the situation I was in! Not more slow death march to a paradise that was becoming ever fuzzier. But amazement in the moment!


It took a long time, but I could look at myself in a mirror. I could smile and feel my humanity and my place amongst others.


I had nothing to die for! I wanted to see my kids grow up and be a dad to them at each stage in their lives. I wanted to experience the world in a million ways and enjoy the company of my fellow humans.


If I could preach and testify now in front of a crowd of fellow sinners I would shout Carpe Diem and seek out their humanity and shared experiences as we all suck the marrow out of life and enjoy each other!


Everything to live for, nothing to die for! My message for the day :)