The exvangelical on Tinder

My nervous fingers got into a steady rhythm of swiping right or left. It was exciting!


A world of opportunity, experiences at my fingertips. No more of the culture-imposed restraint. It was a world without rules! Isn't that what I wanted? No guilt with sex, no self-loathing with who I'm attracted to? No shame in finding what is exciting?


I had grown up in the evangelical church and had one (1) girlfriend starting when I was 19. Five years later we married and I entered marriage as a virgin, believing everything that the purity culture declared is true.
- Sex is only safe in the marriage context
- Sexual thoughts outside of marriage are sin
- Marriage is for procreation, it follows a creation mandate from Genesis
- Marriage is a union like Christ and the Church


Many former evangelicals know the pain these statutes bring. After leaving the church I felt ready to experience that freedom and feel what it is like!


The problem is, despite being free from restrictions, I was also away from any structure with nothing to replace it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.


My first relationship after my marriage would last 2 years. I was so excited that someone found me attractive and at first, validated my story and made a commitment to me without religion attached to it. I felt good about myself and finally able to shed the feeling of guilt and shame.


However, jumping right into the situation, I did not see her blatant controlling nature or her narcissism. And before I knew it, the newness wore off and I was being physically and mentally abused. Instead of breaking free from the past, I felt the pain of my old self-image problems I had as a teenager. I felt as if I had no identity to fall back on. The Steve from 5 years ago was gone. I felt like I was adrift and couldn't find my base.


I had left the church but had not found my own community or circle of friends that could support me. I did not feel guilt or shame, but I had not fully dealt with the deep issues that surrounded the purpose vacuum.


It took the 2 years to start therapy again and get a restraining order against her. It felt like I was restarting my life for a 2nd time. Everything was simplified and I now had a base to start going forward.


I watched out for red flags like narcissism and temper. I would not let my kids meet the next person for a long time. I would only spend time with someone on my non-parenting time.


But there was still a major problem as I logged in to Tinder and Okcupid. I still had no sense of self and boundaries around dating. In the church, this is not a problem. You start to date and get to know someone until you make a bigger commitment and then move forward. Sex is not the driving force. In the secular world, sex is mixed up in the entire package.


It is so much more complicated than that.


Sex is a big part of the profiles and commitment is not. There are so many things I discovered I knew nothing (zero) about.


- Kinks - I had only heard about this in the context of memes and some erotica. I had no idea what most of them meant. Did I have them? No idea. Is it a deal breaker? No rules for that.
- Friends with benefits - Is this really what I want? Can I even do this? Does it cheapen sex? Does it complicate a friendship? What would that dynamic look like.
- Open relationships - This sounds like a dream for a couple, but wow is it complicated. And I still haven't figured out exactly how that works
- When is it dating? What is it too early to have sex? What is too many sex partners?
- What is the dynamic of a person's sex drive? How do you work that out? Public displays of affections? Sub? Dom? What does that all mean!


I felt so overwhelmed and assumed I would work it out as I went along... And that has been an utter failure.


The results have been - awkward sexual encounters where its just not a match, ostracizing friends because my partner was way too sexual in a group setting, great conversations and then mediocre connection, or alternately great sexual partners who I have no personal connection to...


It is a giant, complicated mess.


In one year on the dating scene, the freedom I thought I would enjoy has scared me. I don't wish for the guilt and shame restrictive church, but how do I find the structure in dating that helps me build a healthy relationship?


No one seems to know, except having well established, hard rules that are self imposed and carefully laid out in dating. This includes what you will do on a first date, what you will not do, declaring what you are looking for in general and guarding everything else closely.


It is a lot like a kid being set loose in a candy store only to chip a tooth, get diabetes and a sugar rush headache... And then act like an asshole and ostracize the people you care about...


The apps are like that candy store. And I'm playing a game I just don't understand!