Going Through Hard Times Without God

For many Christians, the issue of suffering is seen in variant and life changing ways. For myself, when I was a Christian, I looked inside my own heart when every scenario of suffering came up. Whether it was financial problems, illness, losing a loved one or emotional suffering, it always led to a "spiritual checkup."


It was a fine line between the following scenario:


"No, I do not think there is sin in my life"
and
"This must have happened, in part, because of my mistakes."


Sensitivity to sin was seen as the best way to ward off this constant questioning during trial. If sin was taken care of, the answer to the trial was patience, long-suffering love and waiting on God.


It is easy for Christians to present the "Holy Spirit" as an ethereal powerful being. In fact, even after feeling a warm feeling and affirmation of faith, I did not "feel" the holy spirit. I knew certain sins were in fact sin because that's what I was told. Black and white and no grey area. Don't compromise or the actual pull of the temptation will lead into the sin. That experience is called "the power of the spirit, convicting us of sin."


For years, that's how I trained my mind to deal with everything from the weather outside to the events in my life. An arbitrary feeling (in myself) trained by Christian talk-show hosts, my pastors, Sunday School and books that I had read. It was as ethereal as that. Meaning... not at all.


There were other problems with the way I was dealing with tragedy.


I didn't realize it, but I was deeply depressed. I would go through ruts in my life where I cried every time I was alone. I felt an awful sense of failure and had almost no self esteem. And when tragedy happened, I was beat myself up further. Harder... down into a pile of deeper sadness.


Tied to this depression was the overarching theme of the New Testament and commentators about Jesus dying for my sin. My responsibility... my fault... because of me...


My mom died in July of 2010 and there was little solitude. Going through a difficult marriage I felt worse about myself. Beaten down by life, I sunk to deeper lows and was just getting by. I found no solace in God or the bible. It was black and white, cold and impersonal to my situation. And yet, it was all I had. Because that delicate balance had to continue, or I would assured that the suffering that was going on, would be my own fault because of sin.


I have often described my de-conversion as a slow waking up from a terminal illness. And I think that's still appropriate. But I would rather say, my fight with depression has been like waking up from that diagnosis and religion was one of the remedies that my doctors has prescribed for the sickness. The slow journey towards treatment, medication, self-care, self awareness and historical study moved me into a position where I was living my life. I was not being controlled or judged by a set of moral codes or the centuries of commentary on that code. I was facing things head on.


The last few years, I have still fought depression and tried to face the world as best I can. Tragedy and problems are a constant. But I notice they happen at the same interval and probability as they did while I was a Christian (go figure.) My mistakes are certainly there in the open, but I do not look to cultural morays from the 1st century while considering the "why" and "how." I look to common sense and the perspective that scientific study and counseling can bring. I don't look to my "sexual sin" or my "greed" or "selfishness." I see my actions laid out and judge them for myself.


Going through grief without God has been the most satisfying way I've dealt with death in the past. Not "see you in heaven," but rather a process of remembering, talking about the person, warming my days with the memory of their presence and keeping them alive in my heart. It is the only place a deceased person has existence, in the heart of others. And that is a beautiful place! Remembering and celebrating, not blaming or hurting because of their "destination." It is a beautiful thing when we say goodbye and know in our mind where they are, as billions of people have done laying those to rest.


So hard times and atheism are not counterintuitive. It might be the best way to go through them.