Thunder

The house shook and the sound was deafening. It rang out in the air with reverberation, it's own presence and fury.

I hated thunder. I started to cry, covering my ears. The sound was not a rumble, but an attack! A whip sound splicing the air like the lightning that preceded it. 

God is love/Fear the Lord

Its ironic that this thunderstorm would be exactly how I viewed the wrath of God. Now I can consider that this must have been a thought in early Hunter Gatherer's minds as they sorted out what it was and what was "God." It was also ironic that this storm happened the day before I left for the summer camp which would lead to my conversion. 

 I was frightened. But not of lightning. No, I didn't even notice it except to listen for the thunder. 

I was always told about God's love, like it was in a picture bible with God holding a lamb and rainbows and smiling faces. But... This wrath was a problem. Personified in thunder I tried to sort it out over 16 years. Hell was the ever present reality we were trying to save people from. A hell made by a loving God. A torture chamber which he lay the bricks in and smoothed the walls. No less sadistic than a horror movie. Fire and gnashing of teeth and punishment. 

It is for your own good! Did you want him to create robots? Free will. Oh so beautiful free will! 

In the end, arguments attempted to sway. I heard thunder, and found somewhere to hide. A natural reaction despite assurance of salvation. And it fit into the patriarchal fear and respect theme of the bible. But I still cried every time. 

Until today. 

I heard the rumble far off, so I sat up and watched fresh sheets of rain come from Marblehead and darken Salem harbor. From the 6th floor of my apartment I can see for a few miles. A mist curled all over the federal era chimney tops and they became phantoms. 

A flash of lightning and a pause. Then a slow rumble. Like a timpani. 

Music. And art. Shades of light. No malice or hate behind it. Just elemental expression. 

Then a crack of thunder that shook the building, echoed far off. Different than I ever heard. Sharp but only a reflection of elemental forces, natural laws. No intrinsic harm or anger. 

Just sound. 

Beautiful sound. 

I closed my eyes and smiled. Listening as if for the first time! 

Stop hating on positive thinking

My heart raced as I scanned the cafeteria. It was a Tuesday. My only friend had a different lunch. So I sat alone. I spread out my book bag to make it look like I was saving a spot.

Junior high was hell. I kept my greasy hair down and tried to write. I tried to do anything except look around. 

Every night I dreamt of popularity, of talking to my crush. I desperately tried to scrub the acne off my face and find clothes that would be in style. 

I was scared to death... Of everything. 

In May of my 8th grade year, a group started a bible study after school. I had gone to church with my sister so I was interested.

"Is this... Is this the bible study?" 

A few students welcomed me with bright smiles and appreciation. It was like I automatically found my niche! 

I would see them in the hall and smile. I would see them in church and build relationships. A small group of friends, but a wonderful one! 

The previous 2 years I had spent in regular teenage angst and a hormonal see-saw. I knew I was dealing with a form of depression but I was scared to come forward. 

But now there was an issue. I was being told my principle problem was not depression or self esteem. It was not chemical or social or psychological. It was sin. 

A previous post mentioned my conversion decision after seeing the spectral hand of Satan and Jesus taking my place in a play. My problem in life was not depression. In fact, the reason I was depressed? It was sin, again. 

Discipline, thought harnessing, persistent confession and bible study would fill me with joy. 

Happiness? That's not important. It is temporary. Joy is only possible with filling of the spirit. Denial of self and filling up with Christ. 

I tried so hard. 

I hated myself more and more. My sin nature, my weakness, my inability to please God and be disciplined. 

Through a difficult marriage, I went through the motions, never caring about my own needs or caring about my future. I didn't see myself in 2 years, 10 years... In old age. All I saw was pain and pointlessness. 

I saw a world headed to destruction and although I was heading to heaven, life and after life had little meaning. 

Nothing felt beautiful. Relationships were weak. I hated what I looked like and who I was. 

And I got to that same point as when I was 14, unable to see any future and hoping I would be gone. 

Depression... Real and true clinical depression. Now divorced, I was feeling guilt for dating, feeling dirty for wanting closeness and being told I was sinning. 

This was the start of that perfect storm. I started therapy, started medication. I started my academic journey and my journey towards atheism. 

I wrote out notes to myself. Affirmations! Inspirational quotes. I did meditation. Positive self esteem messages. 

And I started to heal. 

To be in love with myself. To feel happy that I know myself! To enjoy the sound of my voice, the look of my face. I found value in the person I am! 

And I validated my journey! I was proud of myself. Proud as a dad and as a friend! 

I could see myself in my kid's lives in 5 years and myself traveling! Getting tattoos, trying new things! 

You can't talk about that

Let me tell you a Conservative Christian Love Story


"And then, after waiting and having no sexual thoughts for each other, they went through a courtship, held hands and had a lengthy engagement and finally got to fulfill the desires that they weren't supposed to have before marriage. And despite perhaps not being compatible... they lived happily ever after and finally didn't have to feel guilty."


Its actually a better bedtime story than genocide or human sacrifice... Gotta give them some credit!


It is time we talked about the elephant in the room. Sex.


...but this is a blog about skepticism and history? Why am I going there?


Because it's a big problem. Its a major issue in the evangelical church. And I lived through the purity movement and "I kissed Dating Goodbye" debacle. And I know how much the church focuses on "Bronze age" sexual morality. Not only that, but the equivalent view on women, marriage and reprimanding mistakes.


Remember, the bible is the inspired word of an almighty, all-knowing, ever present being (masculine.)


Except... we have major problems. For instance, Biblical marriage is not just "one man and one woman" but rather, one man and "x" amount of wives and as many concubines he can support. Rape is ok as long as the man is willing to marry the woman. If he isn't, she'll be stoned to death. No test for male sexual purity, but many cultures today still put out the bed sheets after the first night to make sure there is blood...


Even the basic premise of menstruation as an "unclean" state shows the complete patriarchal bias. Same sex attraction? Well, should we just play footage of people getting consumed by fire and brimstone? And tie it to the attempted rape of angels?


*sigh*


 Divorce? Only with certain criteria.


Abuse? well, a husband can't actually "rape" his wife... (still in the law books of some states.)


*sigh*


This doesn't look like a health textbook... because it isn't. Because it is a collection of writings from a different time! Because it is not something to live your life by!


Nothing causes more guilt and hurt that the area of sexual thoughts. That's my humble opinion. There is nothing more personal to a person than THIS area. And there's nothing that is more hardwired to our psychology!


Christian writers have declared that this is the battlefield of the mind, every man's battle... and its causing more pain than they could ever know. Because they are right (did I just say that) it is a battlefield if you are trying to play "thought police."


Its the basic principle of Christianity. Its not just the act of having sex with another person. Its thinking about it. Its acting anything out in your mind. That's sin.


Sinning against? Oh, I got this: God, your future oppositely-gendered spouse, your parents (probably) and also against the purity of that other person. Because thoughts... lead to... rape? Sex? adultery?


Well, I mean they could. But they could also just be... thoughts!


_________________________________________________________


How about a new bedtime story: "Once upon a time, two young people dated. They had protected sex, went out for ice cream, each masturbated, no kittens were killed. They decided they were incompatible and life went on. Maybe they'll marry someone... who knows... the end!"


Ah, that was a better story!

Each domino falling

I had put this off for far too long...


I had started my history degree and tried to avoid taking any Ancient History classes. Or Biology classes. (for science, I took forestry and can identify about a dozen trees.)


M.A.D - Maple, Ash and Dogwood... the only trees that branched oppositely. (Most are alternating.)


I knew that the next inquiry would teeter my faith towards belief or unbelief. I had the opportunity to legitimately look into the validity of the bible through my college library. I also wanted to step into the realm of science and get a crash course of the basics and the evidence for evolution.


Oh how dangerous! What a secret life I was living!


Each Domino fell in a line... no archeological evidence for Moses or the exodus... no evidence of the conquest of Canaan,.. No extra-biblical evidence of Israel until the period of the Kings. And not only that, but thousands of pre-5th Millennia BC sites all over the globe showing a slow development of Homo Sapiens. Magnificent cave murals with creatures that are now extinct. Tools around the globe that showed each stage of sophistication.


In science I took time to learn about evolution and transitional fossils (that I was told didn't exist.) I learned about plate tectonics and the layers of the earth that were created over eons. The formation of rocks and the movement of glaciers to carve the continents. I learned why Darwin came to the conclusions that he did and it had nothing to do with a "anti-God conspiracy." He was following evidence and being skeptical!


Just like identifying trees by branching pattern, I could plainly see the pattern across the board in terms of science.


Meanwhile, in history I was learning about sources and discussing ancient manuscripts. And it hit me again. People excuse the supernatural events of the bible, but would not in Greek legends. We recopy the Sermon on the Mount as word for word but we also realize that this is a literary oratory tool and can't be word for word. Miracle stories, manuscript problems that would deter any person from taking other works seriously were dismissed as "not a problem."


Like a dam bursting, I felt my whole world flood down the river. It was a complete reworking of my world view. And the dominoes kept falling.


They had to keep falling.


Anti-LGBTQ perspectives, misogynistic texts, pro-slavery, haunting tales of genocide and cultural and religious superiority.


Now they were part of history and had a context. Not a spot on the top shelf of my mind.


My journey into atheism went straight through history and basic science.


And I had still never met a single atheist.

The captivity of the Mind

I couldn't shake the image on the screen.


I would look up and start crying. Repeat. Again and again.


The sinewy hand and jagged fingers of Satan holding the marionette strings to my helpless body. The other shadowy hand was pumping me with a needle.


I was 16 and had worked the summer at a Christian camp in upstate New York. And I was scared to death. I had just watched a play about a recovering addict who had become a Christian. The "reality" of Satan and the guilt of my own sin was palpable. The next image was Jesus taking my place and being tortured by Satan. Then beating him, triumphantly!


I felt so awful about who I was... despondent that I was even allowed to live.


Guilt...


Loved, but so dirty.


And it was all in my mind. It was all due to internalizing a message until it felt true! Worse than that, I realized that it played on my clinical depression and my already tattered self-esteem. The only self-esteem I built in my faith was that yes, I was disgusting and incapable. But, less of me and more of him!


Filling a vacuum with praising an imaginary person. I realized I had no identity outside of the caricature I created in my faith in God.


Who was I?


Where was my voice? My personality? My passion?


Slowly, as my theistic delusion melted away with skeptic-minded research and inquiry, a true self emerged! Along with clinical mental health therapy and medication, I found my way out of captivity!


And I really liked the person I found inside.
I like the way I think rationally and use my sarcasm and wit. I like the compassion I have for others with no religious strings attached.


I like thinking out loud and having my mind as the bastion of my own thoughts! No guilt or though-police. My sanctuary and home!


I am excited to share this blog with people because skepticism and inquiry helped me crawl out of the captivity that my own mind created around the dogma of the bible. I'm excited to discuss how historical inquiry helped with that and I'm excited to hear what path other people found out of Religion!

Healthy skepticism : laying it all out

My earliest descendant was the town grave digger in the colonial town of Roxbury. That's the only thing I know about this man who died in 1688.

He would have been alive to hear his pastor, John Elliot, discuss his translation of the bible into the Algonquin language. 

It sounds ridiculous, but as an Evangelical Christian, why wasn't Algonquin a lot like Hebrew? Why weren't the tales vaguely familiar? Many early puritans believed that these must be Israel's "lost tribes!" 

Quick questions like this are easy fodder for tech savvy Creationists and you can search it quick online and get plenty of hits. 

It's embarrassing to even admit it... I wondered aloud how the animals and the people got from the ark to America. 

I was a 32 year old Christian in my 2nd year of college studying American History. And I was willfully ignorant. 

I was also fighting depression and scared to death of how sin-sick I was. 

I desperately wanted to know how the world really worked and connect my journey to the simple lives of past sojourners. Slowly, carefully, meticulously, I used skepticism to challenge my every belief and assumption. 

History, critical thinking and mental health led me away from the Evangelical church! I had felt like a patient curled up in a hospital bed with a terminal illness. The world was in greyscale and I was despondent.

Then I rose up, breathing fresh air. Colors burst around me and I was a cured man! 

This is my blog to discuss my skepticism and also how history was paramount to my rebirth with a secular humanist mindset. 

If you are a Christian, I hope you can identify with the struggle and please challenge me! If you are an agnostic or atheist, a former evangelical, let's share and celebrate inquiry and free thought!