10 people you will meet in the Evangelical Church

I want to preface this by saying that caricatures are everywhere. The librarian, the nervous stockbroker, the "mid-life crisis" guy with a comb-over and a Mustang. They are useful in examining our society and making sense out of it.


So, without further delay: Ten People you will Meet in the Evangelical Church


1. Homeschool mom - She has the same style jumper or dress on as her kids. Perhaps even a modest head covering. 4-5 kids are beside her in order from youngest to oldest! She has a giant purse with crayons, snacks and construction paper. She hasn't slept in a week... She's had the same dress for 20 years and hasn't taken the time to dye the greys out of her hair in months.


2. Creepy deacon - this is another person we all know. He quotes Paul as saying "Greet each other with a holy kiss." So... he kisses any woman he wants. Also hugs way too long and tight for comfort. But he's kinda old and gets away with it. He sees young men with girlfriends and says "if I was 40 years younger, you wouldn't stand a chance son."


3. Granola-Crunch - This is an alternative to the Homeschool mom, but this one is drinking out of a glass bottle with a literal bag of granola in her purse. She makes her own household cleaners and her own toothpaste and sadly enough... her own deodorant. Her and her husband will not vaccinate their kids and they also raise their own animals and vegetables for food... If you go over their house there will be a giant garden and don't get too attached to the bunnies... They are dinner.


4. The amen-man - He is definitely the pastor's friend. He is paying close attention to the sermon so he can give that deep bass "amen." Perhaps once in a while he declares, "preach it, friend!"


5. The sports-guy - He's there on sunday... but you know he's watching the clock. Perhaps he used to be a bookie or a high school athlete. He's the captain of the Turkey Day family football day and any picnic pickup basketball contest. Wicked competitive and shames you if you are not athletic. He's kind of a dick...


6. The Old-lady-that-no-one-can-remember-being-young - You started in church 20 years ago? She's still the same age... She harkens back to the days when the pastor (who's been there for 40 years) first arrived... She's just about deaf and blind but has the best ribbon candy and Werther's original. She'll tell you about the "new" addition to the church which was built 60 years ago.


7. The Off Key singer - He or she knows every word to every hymn, but they are completely tone deaf. They are usually the loudest singer and everyone looks at them when you joke "make a joyful noise to the Lord."


8. The showoff singer - She has a wonderful voice, but this is not American Idol. They get the solos every year in choir and take their church singing careers VERY seriously. Sunday is a performance but they sweetly say, "Thank you, but its not me, its the Lord using his vessel." Sometimes she is married to the Off-Key Singer... Which is weird.


9. Hand lifter - they began life in the Pentecostal Church or perhaps even some new age movement in California with crystals and speaking in tongues. I heard before that they were in a commune... They lift their hands, but wait until the perfect moment, when the emotion of the song takes them. Sometimes one hand, sometimes two, always with the emphasis on the beats and eyes closed. Once in a while a bounce in the pew and moving of hips.


10. The Gossip Queen - She is perhaps the pastor's wife or a Deacon's wife or Deaconess. She always has a juicy tidbit to say to her friends. Church is her chance to gather information, watch which couple is holding hands, who didn't take communion, and who has dark circles under their eyes. Did that couple come in separate cars today? She asks a probing question, smiling the whole time.


Those are just 10 of the people you meet in an evangelical church! Any more? Add them in the comments!