Stop hating on positive thinking

My heart raced as I scanned the cafeteria. It was a Tuesday. My only friend had a different lunch. So I sat alone. I spread out my book bag to make it look like I was saving a spot.

Junior high was hell. I kept my greasy hair down and tried to write. I tried to do anything except look around. 

Every night I dreamt of popularity, of talking to my crush. I desperately tried to scrub the acne off my face and find clothes that would be in style. 

I was scared to death... Of everything. 

In May of my 8th grade year, a group started a bible study after school. I had gone to church with my sister so I was interested.

"Is this... Is this the bible study?" 

A few students welcomed me with bright smiles and appreciation. It was like I automatically found my niche! 

I would see them in the hall and smile. I would see them in church and build relationships. A small group of friends, but a wonderful one! 

The previous 2 years I had spent in regular teenage angst and a hormonal see-saw. I knew I was dealing with a form of depression but I was scared to come forward. 

But now there was an issue. I was being told my principle problem was not depression or self esteem. It was not chemical or social or psychological. It was sin. 

A previous post mentioned my conversion decision after seeing the spectral hand of Satan and Jesus taking my place in a play. My problem in life was not depression. In fact, the reason I was depressed? It was sin, again. 

Discipline, thought harnessing, persistent confession and bible study would fill me with joy. 

Happiness? That's not important. It is temporary. Joy is only possible with filling of the spirit. Denial of self and filling up with Christ. 

I tried so hard. 

I hated myself more and more. My sin nature, my weakness, my inability to please God and be disciplined. 

Through a difficult marriage, I went through the motions, never caring about my own needs or caring about my future. I didn't see myself in 2 years, 10 years... In old age. All I saw was pain and pointlessness. 

I saw a world headed to destruction and although I was heading to heaven, life and after life had little meaning. 

Nothing felt beautiful. Relationships were weak. I hated what I looked like and who I was. 

And I got to that same point as when I was 14, unable to see any future and hoping I would be gone. 

Depression... Real and true clinical depression. Now divorced, I was feeling guilt for dating, feeling dirty for wanting closeness and being told I was sinning. 

This was the start of that perfect storm. I started therapy, started medication. I started my academic journey and my journey towards atheism. 

I wrote out notes to myself. Affirmations! Inspirational quotes. I did meditation. Positive self esteem messages. 

And I started to heal. 

To be in love with myself. To feel happy that I know myself! To enjoy the sound of my voice, the look of my face. I found value in the person I am! 

And I validated my journey! I was proud of myself. Proud as a dad and as a friend! 

I could see myself in my kid's lives in 5 years and myself traveling! Getting tattoos, trying new things!