Thunder

The house shook and the sound was deafening. It rang out in the air with reverberation, it's own presence and fury.

I hated thunder. I started to cry, covering my ears. The sound was not a rumble, but an attack! A whip sound splicing the air like the lightning that preceded it. 

God is love/Fear the Lord

Its ironic that this thunderstorm would be exactly how I viewed the wrath of God. Now I can consider that this must have been a thought in early Hunter Gatherer's minds as they sorted out what it was and what was "God." It was also ironic that this storm happened the day before I left for the summer camp which would lead to my conversion. 

 I was frightened. But not of lightning. No, I didn't even notice it except to listen for the thunder. 

I was always told about God's love, like it was in a picture bible with God holding a lamb and rainbows and smiling faces. But... This wrath was a problem. Personified in thunder I tried to sort it out over 16 years. Hell was the ever present reality we were trying to save people from. A hell made by a loving God. A torture chamber which he lay the bricks in and smoothed the walls. No less sadistic than a horror movie. Fire and gnashing of teeth and punishment. 

It is for your own good! Did you want him to create robots? Free will. Oh so beautiful free will! 

In the end, arguments attempted to sway. I heard thunder, and found somewhere to hide. A natural reaction despite assurance of salvation. And it fit into the patriarchal fear and respect theme of the bible. But I still cried every time. 

Until today. 

I heard the rumble far off, so I sat up and watched fresh sheets of rain come from Marblehead and darken Salem harbor. From the 6th floor of my apartment I can see for a few miles. A mist curled all over the federal era chimney tops and they became phantoms. 

A flash of lightning and a pause. Then a slow rumble. Like a timpani. 

Music. And art. Shades of light. No malice or hate behind it. Just elemental expression. 

Then a crack of thunder that shook the building, echoed far off. Different than I ever heard. Sharp but only a reflection of elemental forces, natural laws. No intrinsic harm or anger. 

Just sound. 

Beautiful sound. 

I closed my eyes and smiled. Listening as if for the first time!